The answer seems obvious. Sure, I’m primarily responsible for myself. I am responsible for my body, for example. How to dress him every day and how I can (not) face the binary society I live in. When I make stupid decisions, spend too much money on things I don’t need or don’t get in touch with people I like very much. These are all decisions for which I am responsible. I decide with whom I want to enter into a relationship or a friendship (consensually, of course) and I also decide when this is no longer good for me.
So far, so good. But what about the moments when I would actually like to write about situations on my blog that would keep me busy and expose other people at the same time? Am I only responsible for myself at such moments? I don’t think so. These are moments that are sometimes difficult for me, because I think to myself then quite defiantly that this has to do however also with me. I want to pay as much attention as I can to the limits of other people and at the same time this means that I have one less medium at my disposal to process and share my own needs and feelings. But not everything that is good for me is necessarily good for other people in a polycul. I know intimate things, we share confidential feelings and it is my responsibility not to divulge, expose and expose them to the eyes and ears of the public without their consent. Sounds plane, but it’s kind of true. I have to quarrel with it, of course, sometimes I would really like to write here about situations that bothers me and makes me sad. Instead, I place them somewhere else and write as best I can from my perspective.
Because one thing I was not aware of as a monogamous living person was the fact that in poly relationships a lot of things influence each other and we carry a kind of responsibility for each other.
It starts with little things. Going on holiday together, for example. Maybe to the exact same place I’ve been talking to my partner for years. Take a trip with the Polycul and notice that people give each other different amounts of physical affection, which in turn unsettle some people. Plan everyday life together and suddenly realize that you spend much more time with one relationship and not with the other. Fighting, breaking up, mourning. All situations that would occur to me spontaneously when I think of how several relationships can influence each other at the same time. That’s really hard, because maybe you don’t want that at all, but be it the feeling what you take with you from one relationship to the other, because you’ve just argued a lot. Or the concrete situation in which you are jealous that something is going differently and you feel disadvantaged or disconnected. The point is that in polycules, relationships influence each other. To be aware of this and to work and deal with it is somehow the common responsibility for me.
That a relationship person has moved into the same flat as me, for example, that was something we had to discuss together, because that is not just a change that we could negotiate in pairs. How much space does it create for all relationships? And how much for us as individuals? How much do we share and how much do we want to share? What would it do to all relationships? These were just a few of the questions that kept us all busy. At the same time, I can’t write about everything that happens between us. And that’s a good thing.