When I started two relationships, I didn’t really know if I actually could live it. Not emotionally, I was sure I could handle it. You have to know that I am a rather sensitive person with a lot of emotions, so that’s not why. I just wasn’t sure about logistics. How am I supposed to do that? How do I make everyone feel treated fairly and I don’t feel I’m neglecting someone? How do I not manage to neglect the other people in my life, to find time for myself and not to spend myself completely?
I get these questions over and over again. I have to admit that I like to be organised and this often has an advantage for me. I like plans, I like calendars and I like it when plans are kept. Yeah, I’m quite a nerd when it comes to plans. I must also admit that sometimes it can really upset me when plans are not kept or when they don’t go together and I have to make up my mind. Especially when I have to decide to postpone plans. I was afraid for a long time that one of them would feel disadvantaged if I postponed or cancelled plans. I believe it was important to me from the beginning to behave fairly and to fairly treat all the different needs. I didn’t want to have a primary and secondary relationship right from the start, but that brings with it other difficulties.
What does fair actually mean? How does nobody feel disadvantaged? Just with the NRE (New-Relationship-Energy) at the beginning of a relationship it can be difficult not to lose yourself completely in the feeling. I would almost say that I had to rein myself in order not only to stagger around in love, but also to put time and energy and lust into my other relationship and do justice to both relationships. I keep hearing that other people, like me, are struggling with this turning point. I can totally sympathize with that and even compared it to an “old and new toy” in the past. I think I mentioned that comparison before. As I said, I don’t think the toy metaphor is so accurate anymore, but that’s how I felt at the moment. Meeting someone new is exciting and definitely new. I am often asked what people can do in an NRE situation. Well, personally, I think it comes down to three things:
On the one hand it is up to the person who falls in love not to lose the overview and especially not to lose sight of the other relationship. I know, it can be quite difficult when you feel sooooo many feelings at once and above all also so intense feelings. That can be super challenging. I still think it’s good not to drift apart and to take time for each other actively, even and especially when you haven’t felt the intense “being super in love” feelings for each other for a long time. Also there are some small things you can talk under consideration, for example: the constant looking on your phone and waiting for the next message from your sweetheart, starting every second story with the name of your new sweetheart or constantly talking about the feeling of being in love. Yes, it’s super beautiful, but the person not in love doesn’t feel that way and may feel insecure. If everything revolves around the new feeling, then in my opinion this can lead to the other relationship or relationships withdrawing and people drifting apart, which can cause even more problems.
On the other hand, this new energy can be applied to all areas of life, which in turn can be totally vitalizing, refreshing and beautiful. To be in love can mean that one feels more energy and feels totally inspired, why shouldn’t one simply refer the feeling to other areas? I really like it when I get this momentum from other people and like to be taken along on the wave of emotions. For example, make trips together that have been postponed forever or get things done that you’ve always wanted to finish together. Under certain circumstances this can also manifest itself in small things, for example that one realizes once again how happy one is to have so many loving people in ones life.
The last thing is a bit banal maybe, but it helped me. Feelings of being in love do not last forever at this intensity. At some point they also pass and then you no longer feel such a strong imbalance. Sure, that sounds like drinking tea and waiting, actually it is a bit. In that time you can just decide to take some time for yourself and/or putting even more effort to get to know each other.
In the end, I was given a lot of strength and confidence when I mastered such a situation. I believe that every new change and challenge can be difficult, shitty and exhausting at that moment itself, but when it’s over, you may draw new tools and new insights about yourself and the relationship(s).
So being in the middle of two relationships means for me always new challenges and always the fear that I could hurt, disappoint or reject someone. But it is also incredibly nice to experience so much love, support and attention. Sometimes it’s too much. I want a 48h day because I can’t get everything in one day. Dr. Vulva recently summed it up for Kleinerdrei with the words: “At some point the schedule is full”. Eventually, when I try to manage my relationships without primary/secondary or lover*in/relationship hierarchies, I no longer have the capacity. I wonder if this will change at some point when potentially more people will join. I can’t wait to see what else is to come!