When I was 13, my mother outet me on her own.At that point I didn’t even know what or who I desire. Worried about my search for myself, she invaded my privacy and feelings and confronted me. This was undoubtedly one of the most painful moments of my youth. A moment that I like to describe today as “the break” in our relationship.
Since then it seems clear that I can be anything but straight. Countless conversations followed and books about books about books, always on the lookout for myself. And again and again the question “Are you sure you don’t like “men”?”. To be honest, I always found that question strange. How can I know forever who or what I will desire?

And then there was my outing. Who am I going to tell and who not? Why do I tell some people and not others? Because I’m afraid of the reaction? Or rejection? When I finally came out to my best friend at the age of 15, she was afraid to hug me for a while. Another friend was afraid that if I looked at other girls in the locker room too long, they might suspect that I was into them. Another friend asked if we could go to “normal” parties again after having been to a homo party once. How on earth was I supposed to be sure to come out in front of people who had known me all my life?

First I was too young to come out to my grandfathers. “Maybe it’s just a phase,” it kept coming from my mother’s mouth. That unsettled me. How good can I trust myself anyway? When the “phase” lasted too long to be a phase, it was unnecessary to come out to them. “They would take their discontent out on your father and me,” they said. All right, so I kept quiet about my first partner and about my second…and…

Now it’s been almost 13 years, half my life I’ve been silent about it and have a non-existent relationship with my grandfathers, my uncle and aunt and the whole rest of the extended family. All except my parents and my brother. Meanwhile I talk about children and common future wishes and plans with my partners. How can I still keep quiet about this? How can I hide my children from their great-grandparents? Pretend they’re not my children? I feel very small, as if I am hiding and “protecting” others by making myself small, almost invisible. Just don’t stand out, just not be discovered.

Meanwhile it is simply too big, too powerful to hide it or myself any longer, how can I keep quiet about all this for any longer?

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator

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