A few months ago a very good friend said to me: “I think I want less intensity in my life”. Since then I can’t stop thinking about it. Over and over again I land myself at the thought. What is the intensity all about? Why do I find less intensity so tempting? What is the opposite of intensity? And do I actually not want any more intensity or only less intensity? Or do I rather want something completely different?
Somehow funny, I ask myself all these questions and honestly don’t know any answers. I’ve probably been sitting here for 15 minutes and just thinking about the question why I’m so keen on intensity reduction. Honestly, intensity has only been positive for me so far: if there was nobody there who could have been interested in whether I fall head over heels in love with someone, sleep with the person every night and allow and develop feelings at my own pace. There was no one there that I could hurt with it, at least not consciously. Since I have several relationships at the same time, there are people who are interested in how fast I go about things and how intensively I shape some experiences. I think I associate intensity with stormy behavior, an “I don’t care” attitude and just letting myself fall. I also associate it with a pushy Inna who wants more and more at her own pace. My intensity has already scared some people away.
In my teenage years I often felt (very) lonely. I really wanted to have someone to fall in love with, I wanted to be hugged so much and I wanted other people to give me appreciation. I wanted nothing better than pure intensity and pure getting involved with someone. Nothing better than that. And when I started dating people in my early 20s while being in a relationship, I also wanted intensity because I held back the desire for it for so long. At the same time, I really wanted to try monogamy, give it a serious chance. I convinced myself for so long that I didn’t want something until I believed it myself. And when I had to realize that the need to date other people, to fall in love with them and be close to them had grown in me, it just bubbled out of me. It was literally untamed, like a greedy creature. I didn’t want to stop it at all. Why should I? It was fun. And at the same time it showed me that intensity is not just something good.
She literally almost tore my relationship apart. We wanted so much to allow every experience and every opportunity to have an experience to leave no room for our relationship. Even every argument I wanted to resolve immediately, everything had to happen quickly and suddenly. I couldn’t stand to put things off, whether it was a fight or a date with someone, no matter what. I think I was far too afraid that something important might get lost in the meantime. Maybe the connection to my relationship person breaks in the meantime? Or maybe this new and exciting person is suddenly no longer interested in me? And what if I don’t have an experience, will I never have it again?
And conversely, as long as something was intense, I felt it was important.
And then I suddenly didn’t think about all these things for a very long time. To be honest, for a very long time I wasn’t even aware that it was the intensity that pulled the strings. I thought it was desire, excitement, anticipation or just the exciting feeling of being desired. Maybe it’s all part of intensity? I don’t know.
Maybe I know even less at the end of the post than I did at the beginning. That’s how I feel a lot right now. But one thing is certain: I want less intensity in my life. I can’t remember any experience of the last 10 years that was just intense and good. It was always accompanied by a drive of something. I would like to have a little more serenity in the intensity. I don’t want to throw myself head over heels into relationships or affairs or love affairs anymore. I want to learn to take things slowly, to give space to experiences and not to rush things. Above all, I want to try harder to give my relationship people more space for their feelings and experiences when something new and exciting happens in my life. In the past I would have found it a pity, I might have regretted many possibilities if I had not been able to experience them intensively and immediately. As if someone had stood behind me and always gave me a little push. Today I don’t find it so bad, I don’t feel under pressure anymore. Somehow I feel more relaxed and I know how it sounds: older and wiser, haha 😉 Cheesy, I know. I don’t know if it’s getting older, but I like it. I’m just greeting more calm and less intense. Who knows, maybe the opposite of intensity is just calmness and maybe at some point I want the opposite of calmness again.