From the daily art of managing polyamorous relationships

Author: polyplom (page 1 of 4)

On Polyamory, mental health and commitment.

The topic of mental health has always been a big topic in my life. I was about 13 years old when I first felt like there was a huge, heavy stone on my chest. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sleep. I felt slowed down, as if something was trying to pull me down. And there was nothing I could do about it, because there was no stone and no other visible object that could be perceived by others and it seemed obvious why I felt that way. 15 years later it is a sack on my chest or a very heavy bag. Filled with large and small stones, sometimes both. I understood only in the last years that I had already with 13 similar symptoms as I had them now and in the past 15 years, sometimes stronger times weaker.

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That’s my freedom, and I’m allowed to… right?

The topic “freedom and polyamory” has occupied me again and again in the last months. Especially after I was on the road a lot, gave lectures and workshops. Again and again people have approached me who had the feeling that they were failing polyamory because they didn’t process their feelings well enough or fast enough or simply didn’t know how to deal with a situation. Often the fear of losing a relationship person or overwhelming them with their own feelings was in the foreground. And again and again such conversations revolved around a concept of freedom, which I can’t understand well or where I find it difficult to understand why this is used as an argument in polyamorous relationships. Very often these concepts were expressed in sentences like “You restrict my freedom”. This means that someone wants to feel free to have relationships and/or sexual contact of any form with others at any time. Continue reading

The opposite of intensity and why I long for it.

A few months ago a very good friend said to me: “I think I want less intensity in my life”. Since then I can’t stop thinking about it. Over and over again I land myself at the thought. What is the intensity all about? Why do I find less intensity so tempting? What is the opposite of intensity? And do I actually not want any more intensity or only less intensity? Or do I rather want something completely different? Continue reading

Life vs. Blog or something like that

It’s been a few months since the last time I posted an article on my blog. There were a few moments when I really wanted to take it up, finally sit back at the PC and share a story worth telling or an exciting thought from my polyamorous everyday life with you. And yet I have not made it. 2.5 years ago I started my blog, since then a lot has changed. In the beginning I was inspired by the idea that there are people there whom I can offer support, to those who are or were similarly feeling. Who can understand how I feel, who can get something out of it. I was glad when I noticed that there are people who follow me, who write me or ask me for advice. I like the exchange, I like going to other cities, getting to know poly-communities, learning from them and enriching each other. Continue reading

2 thoughts against primary and secondary relationships.

Actually, some time ago I decided to publish a post on my blog at least once a month…right now even that pushes me a bit to my limits. The last weeks and months have been quite exciting. For the first time I gave a lecture in front of 250 people and shared my experiences from the last 5 years as a poly living person. I’ve been to different cities, held individual workshops and talked a lot, lot, lot about relationships. From all these experiences of the last few months a few thoughts have emerged on the subject of primary and secondary relationships that I would like to share with you. This is my perspective, there are a lot of others, but it is important to me that I position myself because I felt that I was being asked more and more frequently. Continue reading

Why don’t I oute myself?

When I was 13, my mother outet me on her own.At that point I didn’t even know what or who I desire. Worried about my search for myself, she invaded my privacy and feelings and confronted me. This was undoubtedly one of the most painful moments of my youth. A moment that I like to describe today as “the break” in our relationship.
Since then it seems clear that I can be anything but straight. Countless conversations followed and books about books about books, always on the lookout for myself. And again and again the question “Are you sure you don’t like “men”?”. To be honest, I always found that question strange. How can I know forever who or what I will desire? Continue reading

The advantage of being Jewish on Christmas.

When I lived with my parents, Christmas was a great celebration of loneliness. While all my friends spent 3-5 days with food and gift excesses, I sat bored at home. If I had known Hannah Arendt’s “Jewish Writings” at the age of 13, I would at least have known an expression of my feelings: Outcast. While Arendt’s writings deal with the lack of a political identity for Jews, I simply did not want to feel so excluded. Continue reading

Should I sleep alone more often?

When I was still in a monogamous relationship of two and lived with my partner, the question hardly occupied me. There was a bedroom and a living room. This did not leave much room to ask oneself whether one would not rather sleep alone the coming night. Sure, sometimes one person drove out of town and you had to sleep alone, but that had very little to do with the fact that you actively decided to spend the night alone. Continue reading

Embrace your jealousy.

When I started dealing with open relationships, the only message I got over and over again was: Jealousy is bad. The goal should be to free myself from it, because everything behind it is reprehensible. My first book on the subject even managed to capture this statement in pictures. On the cover was a heart wrapped in steel chains, sealed by a mighty castle. Other books that followed later prefer to use meaningful words, such as “Overcoming Jealousy” or ” Conquering Jealousy”. Finally, I came across “The Ethical Slut”, a book that apparently all people who deal with open relationships have held in their hands at least once in their lives, and even there I did not find myself. I felt like I was failing. Continue reading

Is it always better to be honest?

A few days ago I stumbled upon the following quote from the book “all about love” by bell hooks:

“Lots of people learn how to lie in childhood. Usually they begin to lie to avoid punishment or to avoid disappointing or hurting an adult. How many of us can vividly recall childhood moments where we courageously practiced the honesty we had been taught to value by our parents, only to find that they did not really mean for us to tell the truth all the time. In far too many cases children are punished in circumstances where they respond with honesty to a question posed by an adult authority figure. It is impressed on their consciousness early on, then, that telling the truth will cause pain. And so they learn that lying is a way to avoid being hurt and hurting others.” Continue reading

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