From the daily art of managing polyamorous relationships

Author: polyplom (page 1 of 3)

The opposite of intensity and why I long for it.

A few months ago a very good friend said to me: “I think I want less intensity in my life”. Since then I can’t stop thinking about it. Over and over again I land myself at the thought. What is the intensity all about? Why do I find less intensity so tempting? What is the opposite of intensity? And do I actually not want any more intensity or only less intensity? Or do I rather want something completely different? Continue reading

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Life vs. Blog or something like that

It’s been a few months since the last time I posted an article on my blog. There were a few moments when I really wanted to take it up, finally sit back at the PC and share a story worth telling or an exciting thought from my polyamorous everyday life with you. And yet I have not made it. 2.5 years ago I started my blog, since then a lot has changed. In the beginning I was inspired by the idea that there are people there whom I can offer support, to those who are or were similarly feeling. Who can understand how I feel, who can get something out of it. I was glad when I noticed that there are people who follow me, who write me or ask me for advice. I like the exchange, I like going to other cities, getting to know poly-communities, learning from them and enriching each other. Continue reading

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2 thoughts against primary and secondary relationships.

Actually, some time ago I decided to publish a post on my blog at least once a month…right now even that pushes me a bit to my limits. The last weeks and months have been quite exciting. For the first time I gave a lecture in front of 250 people and shared my experiences from the last 5 years as a poly living person. I’ve been to different cities, held individual workshops and talked a lot, lot, lot about relationships. From all these experiences of the last few months a few thoughts have emerged on the subject of primary and secondary relationships that I would like to share with you. This is my perspective, there are a lot of others, but it is important to me that I position myself because I felt that I was being asked more and more frequently. Continue reading

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Why don’t I oute myself?

When I was 13, my mother outet me on her own.At that point I didn’t even know what or who I desire. Worried about my search for myself, she invaded my privacy and feelings and confronted me. This was undoubtedly one of the most painful moments of my youth. A moment that I like to describe today as “the break” in our relationship.
Since then it seems clear that I can be anything but straight. Countless conversations followed and books about books about books, always on the lookout for myself. And again and again the question “Are you sure you don’t like “men”?”. To be honest, I always found that question strange. How can I know forever who or what I will desire? Continue reading

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The advantage of being Jewish on Christmas.

When I lived with my parents, Christmas was a great celebration of loneliness. While all my friends spent 3-5 days with food and gift excesses, I sat bored at home. If I had known Hannah Arendt’s “Jewish Writings” at the age of 13, I would at least have known an expression of my feelings: Outcast. While Arendt’s writings deal with the lack of a political identity for Jews, I simply did not want to feel so excluded. Continue reading

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Should I sleep alone more often?

When I was still in a monogamous relationship of two and lived with my partner, the question hardly occupied me. There was a bedroom and a living room. This did not leave much room to ask oneself whether one would not rather sleep alone the coming night. Sure, sometimes one person drove out of town and you had to sleep alone, but that had very little to do with the fact that you actively decided to spend the night alone. Continue reading

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Embrace your jealousy.

When I started dealing with open relationships, the only message I got over and over again was: Jealousy is bad. The goal should be to free myself from it, because everything behind it is reprehensible. My first book on the subject even managed to capture this statement in pictures. On the cover was a heart wrapped in steel chains, sealed by a mighty castle. Other books that followed later prefer to use meaningful words, such as “Overcoming Jealousy” or ” Conquering Jealousy”. Finally, I came across “The Ethical Slut”, a book that apparently all people who deal with open relationships have held in their hands at least once in their lives, and even there I did not find myself. I felt like I was failing. Continue reading

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Is it always better to be honest?

A few days ago I stumbled upon the following quote from the book “all about love” by bell hooks:

“Lots of people learn how to lie in childhood. Usually they begin to lie to avoid punishment or to avoid disappointing or hurting an adult. How many of us can vividly recall childhood moments where we courageously practiced the honesty we had been taught to value by our parents, only to find that they did not really mean for us to tell the truth all the time. In far too many cases children are punished in circumstances where they respond with honesty to a question posed by an adult authority figure. It is impressed on their consciousness early on, then, that telling the truth will cause pain. And so they learn that lying is a way to avoid being hurt and hurting others.” Continue reading

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On the secret of long-lasting relationships and what I am grateful for after 6 years of relationship.

6 years ago I lay in a bed and asked the question “do you want to be with me?”. I was quite young and quite inexperienced in relationships. Honestly, I had absolutely no idea about relationships. At the time, I thought it was something beautiful and I wanted to keep something that felt beautiful. That’s why I wanted this relationship, because it did me good. Continue reading

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Bookrecommendation: Rubberband Families

In november 2016 this awesome book came out and I would like to recommend it to all of you. For the first tome I found my dream of a family concept illustrated in a book and I was super happy about it. Thanks a lot, you rally made an awesome job!

The book shows beautiful illustrations and it also allows us to have a look into the diversity of families. It manages to address different people and supports and empowers all of us who are not in a heterosexual two person relationship. I can imagine that the book is suitable for kids and also for all of us, who are trying not to be them anymore. It can inspire and excite in different ways and I can wanly recommend it to everyone.

By the way, I already fell in love with it on the first pages, see yourself:

“Family is a stretchable term. This book was crafted with rubberbands. Rubberbands exist individually or together, in different sizes. They accompany our everyday life. Sometimes they move to the foreground, they endure a lot and sometimes they break. Rubberbands are dynamic, flexible, reusable as well as binding. Just the right material to create a family book!”

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