From the daily art of managing polyamorous relationships

Author: polyplom (page 3 of 4)

In search of my own exclusivity.

Unexpectedly, the summer slump has hit me harder than I could have imagined. I haven’t posted anything on my blog for almost 2 months now, so much has happened! The baby plans are making great strides, the first move-in and move-out plans are in the implementation phase, I will soon open my first “relationships – where do I start? workshops and next Thursday the blog Sextapes-podcast will do an interview with me. Super exciting all this and I will tell you more about it in the near future. Continue reading

What to do if agreements are not kept?

At a reading of “more than two” in Berlin, the question suddenly arose and I noticed that I had never written anything about it. I have already had some experience with it. Mistrust is a big topic, maybe you know that well? Soon a blog entry of its own. Continue reading

Opening relationships – where do I start?

I know, I know, not all people come to the point where they have to “open up” something. Many have non-monogamous relationships for ages and have never had to open anything. Others may come into existing relationships or call themselves solo or single poly. Continue reading

For me? For you? For us? Who am I responsible for here?

The answer seems obvious. Sure, I’m primarily responsible for myself. I am responsible for my body, for example. How to dress him every day and how I can (not) face the binary society I live in. Continue reading

Agreements revisited. Which ones worked well and what would I do differently?

For some time now I have been asked again and again which arrangements have worked well for me and which have not. What would I do differently? What didn’t I like so much? I want to chat a little from the sewing box and share some experiences of myself and of other people who approached me. Continue reading

In the middle between two relationships – How does it actually work?

When I started two relationships, I didn’t really know if I actually could live it. Not emotionally, I was sure I could handle it. You have to know that I am a rather sensitive person with a lot of emotions, so that’s not why. I just wasn’t sure about logistics. How am I supposed to do that? How do I make everyone feel treated fairly and I don’t feel I’m neglecting someone? How do I not manage to neglect the other people in my life, to find time for myself and not to spend myself completely?

I get these questions over and over again. I have to admit that I like to be organised and this often has an advantage for me. I like plans, I like calendars and I like it when plans are kept. Yeah, I’m quite a nerd when it comes to plans. I must also admit that sometimes it can really upset me when plans are not kept or when they don’t go together and I have to make up my mind. Especially when I have to decide to postpone plans. I was afraid for a long time that one of them would feel disadvantaged if I postponed or cancelled plans. I believe it was important to me from the beginning to behave fairly and to fairly treat all the different needs. I didn’t want to have a primary and secondary relationship right from the start, but that brings with it other difficulties.

What does fair actually mean? How does nobody feel disadvantaged? Just with the NRE (New-Relationship-Energy) at the beginning of a relationship it can be difficult not to lose yourself completely in the feeling. I would almost say that I had to rein myself in order not only to stagger around in love, but also to put time and energy and lust into my other relationship and do justice to both relationships. I keep hearing that other people, like me, are struggling with this turning point. I can totally sympathize with that and even compared it to an “old and new toy” in the past. I think I mentioned that comparison before. As I said, I don’t think the toy metaphor is so accurate anymore, but that’s how I felt at the moment. Meeting someone new is exciting and definitely new. I am often asked what people can do in an NRE situation. Well, personally, I think it comes down to three things:

On the one hand it is up to the person who falls in love not to lose the overview and especially not to lose sight of the other relationship. I know, it can be quite difficult when you feel sooooo many feelings at once and above all also so intense feelings. That can be super challenging. I still think it’s good not to drift apart and to take time for each other actively, even and especially when you haven’t felt the intense “being super in love” feelings for each other for a long time. Also there are some small things you can talk under consideration, for example: the constant looking on your phone and waiting for the next message from your sweetheart, starting every second story with the name of your new sweetheart or constantly talking about the feeling of being in love.¬†Yes, it’s super beautiful, but the person not in love doesn’t feel that way and may feel insecure. If everything revolves around the new feeling, then in my opinion this can lead to the other relationship or relationships withdrawing and people drifting apart, which can cause even more problems.

On the other hand, this new energy can be applied to all areas of life, which in turn can be totally vitalizing, refreshing and beautiful. To be in love can mean that one feels more energy and feels totally inspired, why shouldn’t one simply refer the feeling to other areas? I really like it when I get this momentum from other people and like to be taken along on the wave of emotions. For example, make trips together that have been postponed forever or get things done that you’ve always wanted to finish together. Under certain circumstances this can also manifest itself in small things, for example that one realizes once again how happy one is to have so many loving people in ones life.

The last thing is a bit banal maybe, but it helped me. Feelings of being in love do not last forever at this intensity. At some point they also pass and then you no longer feel such a strong imbalance. Sure, that sounds like drinking tea and waiting, actually it is a bit. In that time you can just decide to take some time for yourself and/or putting even more effort to get to know each other.

In the end, I was given a lot of strength and confidence when I mastered such a situation. I believe that every new change and challenge can be difficult, shitty and exhausting at that moment itself, but when it’s over, you may draw new tools and new insights about yourself and the relationship(s).

So being in the middle of two relationships means for me always new challenges and always the fear that I could hurt, disappoint or reject someone. But it is also incredibly nice to experience so much love, support and attention. Sometimes it’s too much. I want a 48h day because I can’t get everything in one day. Dr. Vulva recently summed it up for Kleinerdrei with the words: “At some point the schedule is full”. Eventually, when I try to manage my relationships without primary/secondary or lover*in/relationship hierarchies, I no longer have the capacity. I wonder if this will change at some point when potentially more people will join. I can’t wait to see what else is to come!

Lies devour power or why polyamory facilitates honesty in relationships.

If you want to lie well, you need two essential qualities. On the one hand, your own body should be your ally. It’s not good if he suddenly starts to blush, perspire wildly or jump nervously from one foot to the other… Continue reading

Jealousy in times of smartphones – better, worse, different?

Just now I came across the link between jealousy and smartphones while listening to Sex Tapes Podcast – Smartphone Love and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Suddenly I had so many situations in my head in which I sat sadly or anxiously in front of my mobile and tried to reach the other person. Suddenly I had the question in my head whether my mobile phone would support me more or whether it aggravated my jealousy in some moments, because I can get in contact at any time and at any moment… Continue reading

A short commentary on the question of time and time management in polyrelations.

For some time now I’ve been stumbling across phrases like “You can only live a polyamorous life if you’re either rich or very unhappy in your existing relationships” or “I don’t even have time for one relationship, how’s there supposed to be more?”…To be honest, I keep asking myself why people don’t just ask poly people how they can do it with time management. Instead, a mistake is first assumed or the other extreme: supernatural abilities or a huge amount of money. Continue reading

Why I like contradictions and what they have to do with polyamorie.

Ever since I have lived in Germany, I have been surrounded by contradictions. Story of my life, so to speak. I have been growing up since I was 8 years old in a country where I would have been killed about 70 years ago. As far as I know, my family had no relatives in Germany or other countries where Jews were murdered… Continue reading

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