From the daily art of managing polyamorous relationships

Category: General (page 1 of 2)

On Polyamory, mental health and commitment.

The topic of mental health has always been a big topic in my life. I was about 13 years old when I first felt like there was a huge, heavy stone on my chest. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sleep. I felt slowed down, as if something was trying to pull me down. And there was nothing I could do about it, because there was no stone and no other visible object that could be perceived by others and it seemed obvious why I felt that way. 15 years later it is a sack on my chest or a very heavy bag. Filled with large and small stones, sometimes both. I understood only in the last years that I had already with 13 similar symptoms as I had them now and in the past 15 years, sometimes stronger times weaker.

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That’s my freedom, and I’m allowed to… right?

The topic “freedom and polyamory” has occupied me again and again in the last months. Especially after I was on the road a lot, gave lectures and workshops. Again and again people have approached me who had the feeling that they were failing polyamory because they didn’t process their feelings well enough or fast enough or simply didn’t know how to deal with a situation. Often the fear of losing a relationship person or overwhelming them with their own feelings was in the foreground. And again and again such conversations revolved around a concept of freedom, which I can’t understand well or where I find it difficult to understand why this is used as an argument in polyamorous relationships. Very often these concepts were expressed in sentences like “You restrict my freedom”. This means that someone wants to feel free to have relationships and/or sexual contact of any form with others at any time. Continue reading

The opposite of intensity and why I long for it.

A few months ago a very good friend said to me: “I think I want less intensity in my life”. Since then I can’t stop thinking about it. Over and over again I land myself at the thought. What is the intensity all about? Why do I find less intensity so tempting? What is the opposite of intensity? And do I actually not want any more intensity or only less intensity? Or do I rather want something completely different? Continue reading

Life vs. Blog or something like that

It’s been a few months since the last time I posted an article on my blog. There were a few moments when I really wanted to take it up, finally sit back at the PC and share a story worth telling or an exciting thought from my polyamorous everyday life with you. And yet I have not made it. 2.5 years ago I started my blog, since then a lot has changed. In the beginning I was inspired by the idea that there are people there whom I can offer support, to those who are or were similarly feeling. Who can understand how I feel, who can get something out of it. I was glad when I noticed that there are people who follow me, who write me or ask me for advice. I like the exchange, I like going to other cities, getting to know poly-communities, learning from them and enriching each other. Continue reading

2 thoughts against primary and secondary relationships.

Actually, some time ago I decided to publish a post on my blog at least once a month…right now even that pushes me a bit to my limits. The last weeks and months have been quite exciting. For the first time I gave a lecture in front of 250 people and shared my experiences from the last 5 years as a poly living person. I’ve been to different cities, held individual workshops and talked a lot, lot, lot about relationships. From all these experiences of the last few months a few thoughts have emerged on the subject of primary and secondary relationships that I would like to share with you. This is my perspective, there are a lot of others, but it is important to me that I position myself because I felt that I was being asked more and more frequently. Continue reading

Why don’t I oute myself?

When I was 13, my mother outet me on her own.At that point I didn’t even know what or who I desire. Worried about my search for myself, she invaded my privacy and feelings and confronted me. This was undoubtedly one of the most painful moments of my youth. A moment that I like to describe today as “the break” in our relationship.
Since then it seems clear that I can be anything but straight. Countless conversations followed and books about books about books, always on the lookout for myself. And again and again the question “Are you sure you don’t like “men”?”.┬áTo be honest, I always found that question strange. How can I know forever who or what I will desire? Continue reading

Should I sleep alone more often?

When I was still in a monogamous relationship of two and lived with my partner, the question hardly occupied me. There was a bedroom and a living room. This did not leave much room to ask oneself whether one would not rather sleep alone the coming night. Sure, sometimes one person drove out of town and you had to sleep alone, but that had very little to do with the fact that you actively decided to spend the night alone. Continue reading

Bookrecommendation: Rubberband Families

In november 2016 this awesome book came out and I would like to recommend it to all of you. For the first tome I found my dream of a family concept illustrated in a book and I was super happy about it. Thanks a lot, you rally made an awesome job!

The book shows beautiful illustrations and it also allows us to have a look into the diversity of families. It manages to address different people and supports and empowers all of us who are not in a heterosexual two person relationship. I can imagine that the book is suitable for kids and also for all of us, who are trying not to be them anymore. It can inspire and excite in different ways and I can wanly recommend it to everyone.

By the way, I already fell in love with it on the first pages, see yourself:

“Family is a stretchable term. This book was crafted with rubberbands. Rubberbands exist individually or together, in different sizes. They accompany our everyday life. Sometimes they move to the foreground, they endure a lot and sometimes they break. Rubberbands are dynamic, flexible, reusable as well as binding. Just the right material to create a family book!”

4 mothers, 1 child.

My brother and I don’t have much in common, yet he is the only person in my family who has always supported me in being who I am. I was 16 and he was 10 years old when I came out to him. Rarely have I had such an unagitated outing. It was completely irrelevant to him whom I desire and how I desire, as long as I am happy, so was he. Continue reading

Trigger/Situations where I am reminded of old injuries..and how do I deal with them?

Do you know that feeling when your body does what it wants with you? If you notice that you actually want to behave differently, but you can’t because you feel blocked. I know that pretty well. I usually experience this feeling when I feel overwhelmed and, in a way, so surprised by a situation that my body becomes completely closed. Very often I was triggered/reminded of something in such moments. Continue reading

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